My Guardian Angel ...

There I was just sneaking around on Planet Zork yesterday looking for some of those ugly slimy Zorkian bugs to squash when I noticed something in the distance. I try to focus but somehow can't really make it out. Darn, it could be those ugly bugs waiting to ambush me and here I am unable to see that far. Everything looks like a blur to me at that distance.

I think my eyesight is getting from worse to solidly screwed up. And this spells disaster for a handsome, macho spaceman! Have you ever heard of a spaceman with glasses? No, right? Did Buck Rogers wear glasses? No, right? Did you ever see Flash Gordon zooming by with glasses on? No, right? Not even Darth Vader used glasses so you can't really expect me, the adorable Spaceman to use glasses too?

But the thing is, as much as I hate to admit it, I think I do need glasses. I was so happy that among all my best buddies (you can count them on the fingers of one hand) I was the only one who had near perfect vision. I did already have astigmatism but that was it. I could still read fine prints and never had problems looking way out in the distance.

But now, I'm doomed. I'm definitely going to need to get a pair of glasses and I'm probably going to be the laughing stock at the annual Spacemen Convention! Oh god, that is going to be so embarrassing. I've always been such a boastful little spaceman at this convention and I'll bet they would love to give me hell the moment they see me walk in with glasses ... siggghhh ... as someone named Igor would always say, 'We're screwed!'.

*Deep booming voice from above*

Deep booming voice from above (DBVFA): 'Fear not spiff, I have the perfect solution for you!'

Spiff: 'Who's that? Where is that sound coming from. Doesn't sound like my regular interloper. Who are you?'

DBVFA: 'I'm the guardian angel for little conceited spacemen like you'.

Spiff: 'Oooo, I have a guardian angel? Cool ...

DBVFA: 'Not by choice, Spiff, not by choice, but anyways, hear me out. Since you're so darn (forgive the language, us guardian angels are supposed to be polite) conceited, have you ever heard of LASIK technology?

Spiff: Lasik what? Sounds like something good old Darth Vader would use.

DBVFA: Oh boy, do you even know anything, Spiff?

Spiff: Urmmmm ...

DBVFA: Never mind, don't answer that! You should really go read up more about
LASIK information, then you would probably know that Lasik is a procedure that corrects your vision by reshaping the cornea and creating a corneal flap to correct your vision.

Spiff: That sounds mighty dangerous.

DBVFA: Not in the least. The procedure is extremely safe and has even been validated by the DOD and NASA that it exceeds all established safety standards and effectiveness. In fact they're even encouraging their personnel to undergo the procedure.

Spiff: NASA you say, huh? Cool, if they say it's good and safe then I suppose it is.

DBVFA: Well, modern LASIK or iLASIK as it's know has gone through tremendous improvements and actually uses two lasers instead of one. First a wave-front technology maps the characteristics of your eye, then an ultrfast computer-guided laser creates the corneal flap. Why am I telling you all this? Go read it yourself at www.ilasik.com, I'm sure you'll find more useful information there.

Spiff: You lazy bum, I thought you were supposed to be my guardian angel.

DBVFA: Guardian angel for annoying spacemen, yes but not your bloody teacher, ok!

Spiff: Such harsh words, temper, temper ...

DBVFA: Don't make me zap you with a bolt of lightning now, ok! Anyways, I've done my required good deed for the day, so I don't have to be nice to you anymore.

Spiff: Awwww, come on, don't be such a baby already ... LOL!

*bolt of lightning appears from the sky*

Spiff: Gasp! Ok, ok, enough with the lightning bolts already. Geez, what a cranky little angel. I just gotta remember to send God an email about the kind of guardian angels he sends my way ...